Free Fall

I think I am in a good place, but it does not “feel” that way. No job, no clear idea what I want to do, deep in debt, restless and in some ways heartless.

This is free fall. No moorings, no net, only the promise I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I had grown bored in my job and had prayed and grumbled for years. The past year I was so bored most of the time that it almost physically hurt. I even told friends that the job had become toxic for me, I was drying up. But afraid to leave and not hearing from God I lingered on. If it were not for the wonderful people I worked with I would have despaired. But as one of my coworkers reminded me “God knew that unless he closed the store we would never leave each other”. How true.

So how am handling free fall? Depression, anxiety, doubt… I am not so sure this is not normal. My theology is challenged, my propensity to sin is even more apparent, and I am tired in my soul. The things I trusted in for security are shattered or exposed for their limitations.

So I go tumbling head over heel. And yet along way I catch glimpses of Him. I have to be helpless. As long as I am trying to help myself I will miss Him. As I grasp to hang on to something I will miss holding Him, or better yet realizing He has been holding me all along.

I watch a television show the other day about a family that wanted to go skydiving for a day. They went to this place that gave them some instructions. Within in a couple of hours they were in the air. I thought you had to have days of training and practice. But when it came time to jump I realized that the instructor was strap to the jumper! All they had to do was enjoy the falling; he would know when to pull the chute.

Is this not what I really want. To be with Jesus so close that if he says jump I jump with the confidence that He is there. Do I not want all my false loves; false securities replace with a living, personal friendship with God? Do I not want my selfish agendas replaced with His unending forever good kingdom? How else will I get there unless He periodically throws me from the plane?

With no net, no moorings, my agendas in disarray I fall. My dreams and plans and desires are now in His hands. All I can do is fall, and wait to be caught by God's unfailing hands.