I think I am in a good place, but it does not “feel” that way. No job, no clear idea what I want to do, deep in debt, restless and in some ways heartless.
This is free fall. No moorings, no net, only the promise I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I had grown bored in my job and had prayed and grumbled for years. The past year I was so bored most of the time that it almost physically hurt. I even told friends that the job had become toxic for me, I was drying up. But afraid to leave and not hearing from God I lingered on. If it were not for the wonderful people I worked with I would have despaired. But as one of my coworkers reminded me “God knew that unless he closed the store we would never leave each other”. How true.
So how am handling free fall? Depression, anxiety, doubt… I am not so sure this is not normal. My theology is challenged, my propensity to sin is even more apparent, and I am tired in my soul. The things I trusted in for security are shattered or exposed for their limitations.
So I go tumbling head over heel. And yet along way I catch glimpses of Him. I have to be helpless. As long as I am trying to help myself I will miss Him. As I grasp to hang on to something I will miss holding Him, or better yet realizing He has been holding me all along.
I watch a television show the other day about a family that wanted to go skydiving for a day. They went to this place that gave them some instructions. Within in a couple of hours they were in the air. I thought you had to have days of training and practice. But when it came time to jump I realized that the instructor was strap to the jumper! All they had to do was enjoy the falling; he would know when to pull the chute.
Is this not what I really want. To be with Jesus so close that if he says jump I jump with the confidence that He is there. Do I not want all my false loves; false securities replace with a living, personal friendship with God? Do I not want my selfish agendas replaced with His unending forever good kingdom? How else will I get there unless He periodically throws me from the plane?
With no net, no moorings, my agendas in disarray I fall. My dreams and plans and desires are now in His hands. All I can do is fall, and wait to be caught by God's unfailing hands.
About Me
- Tim Rogers
- I am a Christian man in his 50's. I am a bivocational pastor which means I work a real job in addition to helping out at a church. One of my passions is to see God's people living out a living relationship with Christ.
2 comments:
Tim, thanks for your transparency. Good post, articulate. As you know I have been there a few times. Still recovering. I just read this and am praying this for you:
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1;18, 19
Tim,
The hard part is being FREE during the FALL! True Freedom is found only in Him, so I join Joel in the prayer that "the eyes of your heart may be enlightened" in the "hope" of HIS calling!
Here is a daily reading from Ransomed Heart that I thought appropriate to share on your blog:
The Promise Fulfilled
It’s undeniable: the new covenant, accomplished through the work of Christ, means that we have new hearts. Our hearts are good. Or God’s a liar.
Until we embrace that stunning truth, we will find it really hard to make decisions, because we can’t trust what our hearts are saying. We’ll have to be motivated by external pressure since we can’t be motivated by our hearts. In fact, we won’t find our calling, our place in God’s kingdom, because that is written on our hearts’ desires. We’ll have a really hard time hearing God’s voice in a deeply intimate way, because God speaks to us in our hearts. We’ll live under guilt and shame for all sorts of evil thoughts and desires that the Enemy has convinced us were ours. God will seem aloof. Worship and prayer will feel like chores.
Of course, I just described the life most Christians feel doomed to live.
Now listen to Jesus:
Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. (Luke 6:44–45, emphasis added)
Later, explaining the parable of the sower and the seed, Jesus says,
The seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. (Luke 8:15, emphasis added)
Jesus himself teaches that the heart can be good and even noble. That somebody is you, if you are his. God kept his promise. Our hearts have been circumcised to God. We have new hearts. Do you know what this means? Your heart is good. Let that sink in for a moment. Your heart is good.
What would happen if you believed it, if you came to the place where you knew it was true? Your life would never be the same. My friend Lynn got it, and that’s when she exclaimed, “If we believed that . . . we could do anything. We would follow him anywhere!”
(Waking the Dead , 69–70)
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