The Center of My Own Attention

The past few months have been tough to say the least. Loosing my job of twenty-five years hit me harder then I had expected. Even though it was time to leave it still threw me for a spin. Anxiety, panic attacks and depression seem to come on like a lion attacking from out of nowhere.

Add to that my natural tendency to be negative and you get one big self-absorbed mess.

Crying out to God I wanted relief more than him. He sent ample mercy from friends and strangers alike. It was “not enough”. Actually I did not want the adversity at all. Like most Americans I wanted peace and comfort, a quick fix.

Emotional distress, my wife reminds, is like physical illness. When I have the flu or some other physical sickness it is for a time all I can think about. I think about how bad I feel and how I want relief. Emotional sickness produces the same level of self-absorption.

Emotional or physical pain can distort my view of reality and cause me to loose perspective. Ad to that the spiritual dynamic with the enemy of my soul looking to exploit any weakness or problem to turn me from God, and you come away feeling lost.

That brings me to Gethsemane. Jesus knowing full well what he had to do got depressed to the point of death. He gathered his closest friends to be with him. They fell asleep. And there in the garden he wept and cried alone. There he did what I could not do, he trusted God and turned from himself to his Fathers will. Jesus’ act of unselfish trust would put and end to death and hopelessness.

So I will not beat myself up for being human. Slowly the fog will lift. God is God regardless if I can see his hand or not. He will walk me out of my self-absorbed season. He will heal and restore. My vision will clear and I will see my Father.