Alone?

Writing this is blog is always difficult for me. Gathering my thoughts into some kind of coherent form requires discipline and concentration. Lately I have had a lot of thoughts brewing. Rather than wait until I have worked them all out I will write some here. Perhaps you all who read this can benefit from the process.

A lot has happened in the past year. Indeed in the last few years I have experienced the loss of my mother in law. My job of 26 years came to an end. My close friends have lost mothers to death; my mother had to enter a nursing home. I also started a new job with all the adjacent stresses that go with that process. I have had dear friends work through incredibly hard times, as I looked on feeling helpless and alone.

Alone is not in the economy of God. Everything about His dealings with man through the ages speaks of His close involvement with us. He creates Adam with a need for companionship and then meets that need. He goes looking for Adam and Eve after the fall. He seeks out Abraham, Moses, and Elijah. He calls the elders of Israel to “dine” with Him on the mountain. He calls His greatest gift Emmanuel, God with us. To leave us alone is the antithesis of God's glory that He so longs to reveal to us.

But I oft feel alone. The Scriptures, which He Himself breathed into life, are full of the stories of those who felt alone, abandoned. The Psalms written by the man who God describes as “a man after my own heart’, are replete with questioning cries of ‘where are you?”

Prior to going to the cross Jesus tells the disciples that He will not be alone in His passion and yet from the cross cries “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me”. The Son of Man “felt” alone as the sins of the world clouded His view of the Father. He too felt that sense of aloneness as the sin and shame blinded him to the reality of the Father.

Contrary to popular theology I do not find in Scripture God looking away from the Son as He bore the sins of the world. Instead I see as it say in 2 Corinthians “God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself”. Indeed if the Father abandoned the Son on the cross then Jesus would have lied to the disciples when he said I am not alone but the Father is with me.

So to feel alone is to join that great company of the friends of God who found in the end they were anything but alone. Indeed to be alone can not happen now that I am in Him. He is mine and I am His. As much as I enjoy and like those tangible moments when God reveals His presence I am equally at home with those moments when I do not see Him.

Have you ever noticed that it was in God’s greatest silence at the cross that He was doing His greatest work of love? It is as Jesus is crying out that God cleared the debt of my sin, removed my guilt and shame and tore down all the walls that would keep me from Him. A Father and Son conspired before the foundation of the world to deliver me from aloneness.

I do not say I should enjoy my aloneness, but I do welcome it as an opportunity to bring glory to God. It is entirely likely that it is during those times He is working in me a far greater weight of glory.

Soosh..be still. God is here.

Ancient Paths Volume Two

Well here is Volume 2 of my list. There are so many that I have read over the years that have blessed me and that God has used. This list is not exhaustive but merely reflects those that have had the most profound impact on me. Most of these I have read many times. My goal with this present project is cover ground that I my have forgotten.

Some have ask me would I consider doing a similar list for movies and songs. I will if enough people are interested but it may be awhile since I feel I need to cover some other things in my next few blogs.

So here is the list. Please leave comments here on the blog or by facebook or email. Thank all of you who have commented it has been very encouraging.

Let Us Praise- Judson Cornwall. Reminded me that when it is all said and done I was made to worship and to do so makes us aware of the presence of God.

Messy Spirituality and Dangerous Wonder- Mike Yaconelli. The day Mike died I sat in my chair and cried this heaving aching crying. I ask the Lord why it hurt so badly. What came to mind was “there are so few who shine the love of Christ this brightly”. Amen

Ragamuffin Gospel- Brennan Manning. OMG literally. The cross never looked so beautiful.

Daring to Draw Near-John White. God used this book to help me see prayer as a two-way conversation.

Intimate Intercession-Trica Rhodes. Good books on prayer make you want to put it down and start praying. I almost never finished this book.

God Moment Principle- Alan Wright. Alan Wright is one of those treasures so few know about. Deep water and well worth the swim.

Work of Heart and The Present Future- Reggie McNeal. Work of Heart is the single best book I have ever read on how God shapes us.

How We Grow- Townsend and Cloud- in my 30+ years of following Christ, this is the best book I have ever read on spiritual growth.

Divine Conspiracy; Hearing God; and Spirit of the Disciplines. -Dallas Willard. The Divine Conspiracy – Richard Foster describes it as the book he had been waiting for all his life, I agree. Awesome. I read this for the first time as I was also reading the Sacred Romance for the first time. Together they were like a glass of cold water after a day working in the yard. My heart said “at last someone is saying what I have been thinking and feeling.”

Dangerous Duty of Delight- John Piper. This is a way scaled down version of Desiring God. This little book captures the heart of the larger work. Joy is my birthright in Christ but I have to fight for it. Thank God for John Piper.

So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore- Wayne Jacobson and Dave Coleman. - Man this little parable God used to set me free from the tyranny thinking religiously about church.

Pursuit of God- A.W. Tozer. What can I say. If you have read this you know. This should be required reading for all believers.

Religious Affections and Freedom of the Will-Jonathan Edwards. Edwards’ clarity of thought and sound Biblical wisdom captured my heart early in my walk with Christ. Indeed if I were forced to reduce my list of favorite authors down to 3 or 4, Edwards would be on the list.

Institutes of the Christian Religion- John Calvin. Again his clarity of thought, even when I disagreed with him helped me to root my theology in Scripture.

He Loves Me-Wayne Jacobson. What I call the other side of the cross. The cross not as just punish for sin. The cross as the cure for sin. God used this book to remind me that God did not need the cross to love me, I needed it to love Him. The sacrifice was all His.

Ancient Paths Volume One

Recently my friend Keith and I were discussing Jesus’ knack of asking questions. Even when He was asked questions He would often respond with another question. Jesus knew full well that a truth discovered has far greater impact than one that is merely told. He always knew the right thing to say to draw people out and deal with a God who was far bigger, more present, and more awesome than pat answers, tired dogma, and lifeless morality.

Through the years Jesus has used books to answer my question and to give me the right questions to ask. Not surprisingly I have been encouraged, provoked, challenged, convicted, and cherished. The books seemed to come at just the time. As the Scriptures say “they shall all be taught of God”.

The last few months I have had this whispering in my heart to re-read some of those books to revisit those themes that have been so pivotal in my journey with Christ.

If the me of 23 years old were to meet the me now at 53 my earlier self would most likely deem me a heretic. This is as it should be though. If I indeed I have a relationship with a living God as I get to know Him my understanding of Him should grow and change.

However what has not changed is the impact these books have had on me. To re-read them is like reading old love letters. My heart warms again and I remember the love of God revealed in those works. Far from mere sentimentality, this process is a means to prevent or correct spiritual drifting. Jeremiah said stand at the crossroads and ask for the ancient paths and walk in them. Sound wisdom.

Here is a list of the first few. I call this volume 1.

Knowing God-by J.I. Packer-this was perhaps the biggest influence early in my walk with Christ.

How Should We Then Live; True Spirituality; He is There and He is Not Silent- all by Francis Schaeffer- how the modern church has forgotten his profound wisdom. I will start with True Spirituality.

Normal Christian Life- by Watchman Nee-this should be required reading for all Christians. Contains perhaps the best exposition of Romans 5-6 ever.

The Jesus I Never Knew; What’s So Amazing About Grace- by Philip Yancey- of all the authors I have read, Yancey and C.S. Lewis have had the biggest impact. I constantly read them and I am nourished, challenged, etc..

Sacred Romance; and Waking The Dead-both by John Eldredge- I cannot thank God enough for Eldredge. God has used his works to restore to me the joy of my salvation and the true heart of the gospel.

Authentic Christianity- by Ray Stedman- as a young Christian I often wondered why the church in Bible was so different than what I was seeing around me. God used Ray Stedman to answer that question.

Mere Christianity-by C.S. Lewis-I “discovered” Lewis of all places in a high school literature book. I figured he was going to slam Christianity! I remember vividly saying out loud “you mean Christians can think!” I cannot say enough about C.S. Lewis.

Wonder

“Burn off the dross, innocence captured again”
When Will I Ever Learn to Live in God- Van Morrison


Coming home from work yesterday I passed by several of the kids from the neighborhood as they were walking to the convenience store. I was struck by how much those boys had grown. In their early teens now, they were little boys when we moved into the neighborhood seven years ago.

I was struck by how many times I had passed my son with his friends at that age all waking to the store. The names have changed, but the living has not. My son now in his “late” teens has different friends and interest. He is becoming an adult with adult values, adult problems, interest, etc.

For a moment I was reminded how we loose our sense of wonder. “You must become like little children to receive the kingdom,” Jesus said. Is it possible to grow older in years and younger in heart? As the Bob Dylan song says, “I was so much older then, I’m younger than that now”?

The answer is yes. The question is how?

To be honest I am not all that sure. I have always thought of trials as the way God “burns off the dross” in order to make us holy and pure. I still think that is true but…

Trials do make us more dependent on God and dependence is a childlike quality. Trials do focus us on what really matters. If embraced they do make us “stronger”. But is God after something bigger? I think so. Is it possible that one of His intentions is to make us wonder filled? Could it be He is restoring the innocence of the heart to see Him through the eyes of a child? Could it be that the Spirit is bringing us into the joy of Christ so that instead of our hearts going “woe is me,” we go “Awe!” with that breathless wonder that only children seem to know?


So I stop and watch the sun set even though end of the day duties call. I watch a bluebird on my deck bask in the morning sun even though the events of the pending day call me to urgency. I listen to that story that my co-worker shares even though there are “things to do” yelling at me from my desk.

And I take time to imagine. I imagine what it will be like to sit in my Mom and Dad's kitchen in a new heaven and new earth with all those wonderful people who have sat there through the years. And new faces as well. Jesus passing the chicken and saying “you remember that time?” I imagine my dad with memory now fully restored, my mom with knees no longer racked with arthritis pain. I hear Jesus say, “Here you want some more tea?” And we all laugh, and laugh, and laugh as Jesus pours water into glass and it becomes iced tea.

And I stop and am quiet and know that He is God. And I am filled… with wonder.

Changes

My friend Joel posted some pictures on facebook from our Bible study fellowship of 30 years ago. With a mixture of joy and sadness I looked over each photo. In many cases I could not remember the specific events but boy did I remember those people!

Face after face I remembered conversations, joys, struggles, hopes, dreams. I heard their laughter again and saw again the light of Christ in their eyes. I longed to be with them again. How grateful to God I am for them and those times.

Then there is my bookstore family. I will forever thank God for the honor of knowing and loving these wonderful people. Words fail me….

The past few months have been ones of tremendous change and transition. My job of twenty-five years ended, my mother-in-law died, dear friends had parents die, my son turned 17, I developed tmj which has left a constant ringing in my ears, my mom entered a nursing home…and on and on.

Then I remember…God. Odd is it not to forget the most unforgettable person you have ever met? I look back over the photos of the Bible study group. I pulled out the photos of the bookstore staff. And I remembered. I remembered it was Jesus’ love for me and them that brought us all together. I remembered His sovereignty and providence over all my life. I remembered His utter delight in offering Himself as a sacrifice for sin so that I could know this Father and be brought into His life.

So with my Older Brother looking over my shoulder I ponder the changes. I see Him point out “look there I was in that photo. Do you see now what I was doing?” I nod yes. He points again “ Remember when you thought that was hopeless?” He smiles a wry smile. I look at the past year and hear “ I am that I am, and I will never leave you.”

The lyrics from a Cindy Morgan song softly come to mind as if whispered,

“So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

Jesus behind me, Jesus before me, Jesus with me. The day will come when together these cherished friends we will worship with unveiled faces the One who loves us best and the glory of God will cover the earth as the waters cover the sea. Even so come Lord Jesus.

A Parable

Once upon a time an eagle’s egg rolled out of a hole in the nest. It rolled gently down the mountain trail arriving safely in the farmyard below.

As it turned out a hen passing by saw it and assuming it was a chicken egg, rolled to her nest where she proceeded to hatch it.

Our young eagle grew up with the chickens. He ate with the chickens, slept with the chickens, and ran about the barnyard with the chickens. However he would often look at the eagles soaring above and long to fly. Suddenly the other chickens would notice the eagles above and beginning running for cover. He too would run and hide.

“I wish I could fly,” he would moan. “Don’t be silly. You are just a chicken” the other chickens would reply.

One day as our eagle roamed about the yard he got far from the other chickens. Suddenly he heard screeching and saw the chickens running for cover as an eagle swooped into the barnyard. He was too far away to catch up with the others and round himself face to face with the eagle.

Looking him over the attacker ask, “ What are doing here with these chickens?”
“I am a chicken, where else would I be?” he replied trembling. “Please don’t eat me!”

“Chicken? Eat you?” Our visitor was clearly puzzled. “You don’t know you are an eagle?”

“What?” his curiosity aroused.

The other eagle eyed him over, walked all around him several times. Sounding somewhat puzzled he ask, “ Have you never wondered why you look different from the other “chickens”?”

“Oh” he replied, “ I just assumed I was not a very attractive chicken”

His new friend just shook his head. Then with a twinkle in his eye he said “ Why don’t you take off running with me and start flapping your wings and lets see what happens.”

Reluctant to trust an eagle and yet feeling strangely comfortable he agreed.

“Now do what I do and when I say jump, then jump and start flapping your wings.”

He ran only two or three feet with the other eagle when he heard “JUMP!” Suddenly he was airborne. “Keep flapping slow and steady like me,” his teacher admonished.

Bewildered and exhilarated he climbed higher and higher. Suddenly fear gripped him. “What am I doing? I am a chicken”. His friend smiled and replied “Are you really now?”

“I have been wrong for so long. I am not a very good eagle. I feel so foolish. What if …if I fall?

Smiling his teacher spoke, “ You are asking the wrong question?”

Circling round and round he asks, “What is the right question?”

“What if I learn to soar?”

Free Fall

I think I am in a good place, but it does not “feel” that way. No job, no clear idea what I want to do, deep in debt, restless and in some ways heartless.

This is free fall. No moorings, no net, only the promise I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I had grown bored in my job and had prayed and grumbled for years. The past year I was so bored most of the time that it almost physically hurt. I even told friends that the job had become toxic for me, I was drying up. But afraid to leave and not hearing from God I lingered on. If it were not for the wonderful people I worked with I would have despaired. But as one of my coworkers reminded me “God knew that unless he closed the store we would never leave each other”. How true.

So how am handling free fall? Depression, anxiety, doubt… I am not so sure this is not normal. My theology is challenged, my propensity to sin is even more apparent, and I am tired in my soul. The things I trusted in for security are shattered or exposed for their limitations.

So I go tumbling head over heel. And yet along way I catch glimpses of Him. I have to be helpless. As long as I am trying to help myself I will miss Him. As I grasp to hang on to something I will miss holding Him, or better yet realizing He has been holding me all along.

I watch a television show the other day about a family that wanted to go skydiving for a day. They went to this place that gave them some instructions. Within in a couple of hours they were in the air. I thought you had to have days of training and practice. But when it came time to jump I realized that the instructor was strap to the jumper! All they had to do was enjoy the falling; he would know when to pull the chute.

Is this not what I really want. To be with Jesus so close that if he says jump I jump with the confidence that He is there. Do I not want all my false loves; false securities replace with a living, personal friendship with God? Do I not want my selfish agendas replaced with His unending forever good kingdom? How else will I get there unless He periodically throws me from the plane?

With no net, no moorings, my agendas in disarray I fall. My dreams and plans and desires are now in His hands. All I can do is fall, and wait to be caught by God's unfailing hands.

The Center of My Own Attention

The past few months have been tough to say the least. Loosing my job of twenty-five years hit me harder then I had expected. Even though it was time to leave it still threw me for a spin. Anxiety, panic attacks and depression seem to come on like a lion attacking from out of nowhere.

Add to that my natural tendency to be negative and you get one big self-absorbed mess.

Crying out to God I wanted relief more than him. He sent ample mercy from friends and strangers alike. It was “not enough”. Actually I did not want the adversity at all. Like most Americans I wanted peace and comfort, a quick fix.

Emotional distress, my wife reminds, is like physical illness. When I have the flu or some other physical sickness it is for a time all I can think about. I think about how bad I feel and how I want relief. Emotional sickness produces the same level of self-absorption.

Emotional or physical pain can distort my view of reality and cause me to loose perspective. Ad to that the spiritual dynamic with the enemy of my soul looking to exploit any weakness or problem to turn me from God, and you come away feeling lost.

That brings me to Gethsemane. Jesus knowing full well what he had to do got depressed to the point of death. He gathered his closest friends to be with him. They fell asleep. And there in the garden he wept and cried alone. There he did what I could not do, he trusted God and turned from himself to his Fathers will. Jesus’ act of unselfish trust would put and end to death and hopelessness.

So I will not beat myself up for being human. Slowly the fog will lift. God is God regardless if I can see his hand or not. He will walk me out of my self-absorbed season. He will heal and restore. My vision will clear and I will see my Father.